Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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