Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I think my fart just growled at me.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
