dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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