Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
