i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
