If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
