Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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