What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
