my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize