Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
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The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
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He better not be in your backpack
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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