I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
