No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
