i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
