go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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