I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
