i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
God, I missed his penis.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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