I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
im six kinds of drunk right now
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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