can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
