I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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