I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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