That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
