he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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