I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
