The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
