I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
