I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
