You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
be right there i have to get my cape
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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