just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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