the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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