That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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