Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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