Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
