trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I am one with the molecules
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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