I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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