woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
