I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize
