I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
