We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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