I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
