I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
