I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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