We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
