If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
