thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
