this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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