you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
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All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
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So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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