toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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