can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
