Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
