awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
