i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
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Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
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You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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