Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
