Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We just shotgunned beers for America
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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