Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
