Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
