Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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