Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
