I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
