I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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