i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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