you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
