i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
