This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
